Sunday, November 24, 2013

The Start

To be fair, this isn't really the start of my weight loss journey. However, I'm hardly near the finish either. I'm somewhere in the "mid-early" stages.

Some key things to remember throughout the journey of this blog - I refuse to censor myself. There will be a lot of swearing some days I'm sure. I also have a dry sense of sarcastic humor. Sometimes that masks pain and hurt and disappointment. Tone is hard to convey but I'll do my best not to be too crazy.

I think I'll break up these introductory posts over a few different days. Today I'll tackle the written part of my long back story short. Apologies if keeping it short doesn't happen. I'm wordy.

Who am I? Some of you might know me in real life. Some of you I've "known" via the internet for years - or maybe just months. But for those of you that haven't read my other blog and don't know the basics of me here you go. I'm a 29 years old. My husband K and I got married in July of '07 and we've been battling infertility for the entire duration of our marriage. I am a Chicago native but have been transplanted in Wisconsin for the last 6 years, 2 months, and 23 days. Not that I'm counting or anything.

From the time I was a young kid I was always involved in sports. I played softball through college - over 15 years in total. To say I was in shape would be an understatement. I was in the gym or on the field every single day for years. I was never a size 2. I never will be. At my lowest, I hovered around 150 lbs on my 5'4 frame - but it was a very muscular, toned 150 lbs.

When I hung up my cleats I didn't just drop off the face of the working out world. I jumped into an internship working for Disney down in Orlando. I was a lifeguard at one of the hotels and I continued to train, swim, lift weights, etc.

I came home months later nearly 10 lbs heavier. I thought to myself, "Well, I'm home now, I'll just drop it asap." But that never happened. As hard as I tried, it wouldn't come off. And I kept gaining. And my period all but disappeared. For almost a year. I went to doctors left and right. All they would do was give me a pregnancy test and check my thyroid. Both came back negative every single time. I know now that this is the onset of my battle with PCOS.

What is PCOS and what does it have to do with my path? Well, it has ruled my life for years now. PCOS is short for Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I won't bore you with the details but just know some basics. It's the number one endocrine disorder that causes infertility in women. Some women have PCOS w/IR - insulin resistance. That would be me too. It sort of mimics how a diabetic doesn't break down insulin well. Some women have PCOS and are thin and stay thin. Some are are heavier and stay heavier. Some start out thin and end up...not so much thin. That's me again. Some women have PCOS but yet have no problem getting pregnant. That would not be me.

When I look back at who I was when I met my husband, I loved who I was then. Yes I was young (we have been together for over a decade now) but more importantly, I felt very confident in my looks. It's not that I thought I would be gracing the cover of People Mag's Most Beautiful People edition - it's just that I felt secure in my body. I felt confident in the clothes I wore and how I looked in them. Having worn the fit and the fat shoes, I can tell you that people do treat you differently depending on your size and what you look like. The worst part for me is that in my head I don't feel as big as I technically am. I still picture someone thinner. I can put an outfit on and think it looks flattering and then see a picture of myself and cringe.

So what made this attempt at getting the weight off different than all the rest? Simply put I just don't want to be fat anymore. A little over a year ago (Sept '12) K and I went to visit my grandparents in Texas for a week and i was shocked at how I looked in some of the pictures. I managed to talk myself into thinking that I was just bloated and there were bad angles. Easter '13 came and went and when I saw those pictures I cried. I looked terrible. I was embarrassed. That week I decided to make the change. I signed myself up for the June Color Run in Chicago. I had never run (or walked) a 5k before. That run turned into 3 separate 5ks this year! Last weekend was my final of the year. I'm currently down 23 lbs from my starting weight of 254 lbs. Ugh, that number was tough to write "out loud." But I have to make myself promise to offer full disclosure on here.

Up next I'll try to round up some pictures to help illustrate my story.